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This is apparently what happens when I need a brain-holiday. Please forgive me.
Title: If I Called You Beautiful, Would You Date Me On The Regular?
Genre: RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: Adult
Summary: Where Jared works in a pet store, Jensen has a crush and Misha and Chad are in cahoots.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but these words. No money made, no insult intended.
"Oh man, I think I've seen this before."
Jensen Ackles has only ever experienced this kind of all-encompassing paralysis a few times in his life.
"Really?"
"Yeah, totally."
Everything is locked down, from feet to vocal chords. Jensen can't even turn his head enough to see the owners of the two disembodied voices apparently discussing his predicament on either side of him.
"I think he's one of Jared's."
Jensen's eyeballs are the only things apparently working and they roll sideways, seeking out the owner of the voice and can only see from this angle his torso. There's a nametag pinned to the chest that says Hello, My Name Is Yo Mamma.
"He doesn't look like Jared's regular..." The thought isn't finished as Jensen unlocks his lips enough to let out a pathetic sounding nghahguhshuh.
"Did he say oil can?"
"Leave the poor guy alone."
"Hello? Anyone in there?"
The top of Jensen's head is tapped with a fist and like magic, his body is released. He automatically goes into flight or fight... oh, who's he kidding, straight out flight mode and he spins and runs, ducking into the cool and safe confines of the convenience store that has been mother and country to him for going on four years now.
Jensen thinks that the human body should be able to combust if mortified enough, leaving a pile of slightly embarrassed red ash behind but no such luck. His fervour about wishing this was true multiplies when the bell over his door jangles and a guy with brown hair pokes his head in and spots Jensen trying to ineffectively hide behind the greeting card carousel.
"Um, are you alright?" the guys asks. Jensen vaguely recognises him as someone that comes in for one of the weirder green tea infused herbal concoctions that he got a single crate of as a promotion. This guy is the only one that buys them so Jensen keeps them in the fridge out of apathy, knowing that eventually they'll run out and he won't have to go to the trouble of removing them and finding somewhere to dispose of them.
He's pretty sure he'd poison the local water supply if he tipped them out anywhere and he hates to think what effect they'd have on landfill.
"Ah, hmm, what?" Jensen looks up and then makes a show of neatening up some of the cards. "Yes, fine thanks. You?"
The guy smiles a little and it's a nice smile on a nice face but he also has a wedding band on his finger so Jensen had never bothered to really notice before. Besides, he can only fixate on one person at a time and currently that spot's taken.
"Did he puke? He looked like he was gonna," someone else calls from outside the door, probably Yo Mama.
"Chad, don't be an ass," the guy snaps.
"Can't help it, it's my default setting," Chad jeers from outside and the guy grimaces.
Jensen tries to make it clear with his body language that he's fine and would really like to be left alone and the guy seems to mercifully get it because he nods and retreats out the door.
Jensen moves back to his counter and thumps his head on the surface a few times.
'*'
Jared Padalecki works next door in Pets, Pets, Pets and gave Jensen a blow job.
That would've been fine, Jensen didn't usually do random hookups but whatever. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if Jensen had not been moonily watching Jared Padalecki walk past his store for going on six months. Jared had entered Jensen's store for the first time two weeks ago, had bought an energy drink that was a sickeningly unnatural blue and had drunk the whole thing while standing at Jensen's counter in a long and fascinating series of connected swallows.
"I'm assuming you're going to pay for that," Jensen had blurted and Jared had looked down, kind of smirked and then his eyes had done a lazy up-down that Jensen recognised from Queer As Folk but that had never actually been directed at him.
Five minutes later Jared had Jensen bailed up against the wall of the employee only bathroom, one porn-large hand splayed on Jensen's chest and Jensen's dick halfway down his throat.
The problem is that Jensen knew exactly who Jared Padalecki was. He tried not to use Queer As Folk as his life model, but Jared was definitely the Brian Kinney of Eighth Street. He was impossible, unattainable and when he went to his knees Jensen couldn't run like he knew he should've.
He'd already had a stupid little crush but this...
He's doomed.
'*'
"Sodoyoumaybewanttograbdinnersometime?"
Jensen is standing in the middle of Pets, Pets, Pets, next to a rack of birdseed and designer dog bones and he's practically screamed at Jared who was approaching him with a friendly Can I Help You, Sir kinda smile. Jared falters while the rest of the store, even the animals, goes comically silent.
"I'm sorry?"
"I said... do you have this in green?" Jensen asks, desperately grabbing a cat collar with a bell from the shelf nearest him. The one he's holding is in fact because the universe hates him, green already, but he's committed now.
"Like a different green?" Jared asks, eyeing Jensen warily. Jensen has crazy people come into his store from time to time and he's pretty sure the expression on Jared's face would be the same one he would wear when watching the guy who likes to listen to each individual Cheetos packet rustle before choosing one.
"I'm not crazy," Jensen says and is pretty sure that it makes him sound more crazy just to state it like that, but it also makes Jared laugh. Jensen tosses the cat collar aside and fiddles with his glasses. It's a nervous habit his mother was always trying to break him of. "I just... y'know, had a nice time... in the bathroom and was wondering...?" Jensen finally raises his head and notices that Jared's watching him with polite interest but he could swear no real recognition. Jensen clears his throat and feels his cheeks heat flame red when he leans forward and whispers. "Y'know, the bathroom?"
Jared has leaned forward automatically as well but now kind of steps back and still looks confused. Jensen can't... "Last Wednesday?" Jensen clarifies, trying to narrow it down further for Jared because the guy is still looking perplexed.
"When you say last Wednesday do you mean the one just gone or the one before? Man, that always confuses me," Jared says, chuckling and spreading his hands in a what can you do kind of gesture.
"Two Wednesdays ago," Jensen chokes out.
"Oh, right, okay. Now I'm with you," Jared says, nodding. "So hey, how you been?"
"How've I been?" Jensen repeats slowly, like maybe the question would make sense if he did. Like maybe it wouldn't sound so much like Jared has absolutely no clue who he is.
"Oh hey, it's you," another voice pipes up from behind Jared and then a blonde guy appears. Jensen recognises that voice, horror of horrors. It's the second witness to his not-so-subtle freakout. He thinks the guy's name was Chad but his nametag says Hi My Name Is Do I Look Like Your Slave?. Chad has a kitten in each hand and he gestures with them as he says, "So, you actually made it into the store this time, huh?"
"Yes," Jensen says because he's at a loss what else to say.
"Me and Misha thought he might be one of yours," Chad adds helpfully, poking Jared in the shoulder with one of the kittens. It murrs in disgruntlement.
"Chad," Jared starts, sounding exasperated and Jensen takes the opportunity to start backing towards the entrance of the shop. Jared only looks back at him when Jensen is almost out the door and he raises one hand. Jensen freezes, one leg tasting sweet, sweet freedom and the rest of him trapped in hell. "Did you want something?" Jared asks.
"No, nope, nothing at all," Jensen manages to get out and then he's able to continue his retreat.
He needs to go home, crawl into bed and never come out, ever again.
'*'
"I'm sorry, you're what?"
It's the day after the worst, most mortifying day of Jensen's life and things don't seem to be improving. For one thing, he has Chad and Misha, who had finally gotten around to introducing themselves officially, in his store, standing in front of his counter and claiming to be, "The Jared Padalecki Interventionists."
"I don't think that's what we decided to call it," Misha says, looking at Chad who today is wearing, Hi, My Name Is Jared Padalecki just to give the whole situation a more surreal bent.
"What did we decide to call it then?" Chad asks, rolling his eyes at Jensen like they're in cahoots with not believing Misha is being this dense. It's all just a little...
"And you're here to...?"
"We're here to help you move on from the J-Pad. We do this only for guys who aren't giant dicksmacks so you should feel flattered," Chad explains, managing to look magnanimous about the whole thing.
Jensen puts a hand to the phone on his wall and raises an eyebrow. "Do I need to call the police to have you both thrown out of here or are you going to leave quietly?"
"Sometimes people just don't understand that there's no Godfather Part Two for the Sasquatch." When Jensen just stares at Chad he opens his eyes wide and says very slowly, "There's no sequels in J-Land, even kickass ones."
Jensen dials nine and then the first one.
"You seem like a nice guy," Misha says, sounding kind which is weirdly worse than Chad's rudeness. Misha's holding a shoebox with Intervention Kit written on the side in magic marker and Jensen really doesn't want to know what's in it. "All we want is-"
"Oh hey, Wednesday guy. Now I get it," a voice pipes up and Jensen would recognise it anywhere. So must Misha and Chad who spin in place, Misha managing to pitch the Intervention Kit in Jensen's general direction. He fumbles it and it hits the floor, breaking apart on impact. Jensen isn't sure what else is in there but there's a large sparkly pink dildo that has come to rest on his foot.
Jared's standing just inside the door and he looks confused for a second seeing Chad and Misha but he just shrugs and makes his way towards the fridge. He's dressed for running and has a large dog on a leash in tow. "No pets inside," Jensen manages to squeak out and Jared freezes in place.
"I've got him," Chad volunteers cheerfully, snagging the leash from Jared's fingers.
"Me too!" Misha says, also beating a hasty retreat.
Jensen is starting to suspect that Jared had no idea about their little club.
Jared has another violent blue sports drink but this time he doesn't swallow it whole. Instead he digs down into his shorts for some change and manages to expose a cut of hip that Jensen totally doesn't stare at.
Much.
"That's a really interesting sweater," Jared observes as he counts out change. Jensen looks down at himself and grimaces. He's wearing sweat pants and a knitted monstrosity that his mother made him because she believed anywhere outside of Texas must have been freezing and therefore took it upon herself to learn to knit to provide for her wayward son.
She's still learning.
He was doing a double shift and he'd only been thinking about comfort when he'd gotten dressed fourteen hours ago, not that the guy who he'd had a crush on for months would come in looking all sweaty and desirable.
Jensen spots Chad and Misha just outside the store, unabashedly staring inside. They're both shaking their heads violently and making shooing motions. Jensen has no idea what they want or who thought it was a good idea to let them out of whatever institution they should be in.
"So I think you came into the pet store yesterday to ask me out," Jared begins and Jensen swallows and refocuses. His glasses are smudged and he takes them off his nose to clean them on the bottom of the ugly sweater.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Oh really? Well, it was nice of you to come in and not to ask me out for dinner. I was going to see if you wanted to come over and watch the game tonight, maybe grab a pizza?"
Jensen's head snaps up and he fumbles his glasses quickly back on his face. He wants to see if Jared's smirking, making fun of him, but instead Jared just looks mildly curious and a little hopeful.
Huh.
"I thought you didn't do repeats," Jensen blurts and Jared narrows his eyes and looks over his shoulder. Misha and Chad crash into each other trying to look nonchalant about vacating the vicinity. Jared sighs and to Jensen it sounds both exasperated and affectionate.
"Maybe we could try hanging out, see how that goes before you decide you know me and what I'm about?" Jared asks and he has his eyebrows raised and his tone is kind of impatient but yet again endearingly hopeful.
"Oh, um, okay, sure," Jensen agrees.
"Cool. You're off at eight, right?"
Jensen just nods numbly and watches Jared leave.
'*'
"I'll pay you to leave me alone."
Misha and Chad are back. Chad is sitting on Jensen's counter, swinging his legs like a kid and Misha is squinting at the ingredients on the side of a Frosted Flakes box. Jensen doesn't know who he's pissed off in a former life to make these guys want to adopt him or whatever but here they are, not leaving.
"I'm just saying, Jay is awesome at the dine and ditch, but then he always goes back and makes a mess of it."
"I have no idea what you're saying right now," Jensen says, glaring at Chad and trying to make him burst into flames with just the power of his brain. It would be really cool if something like that would work, just the once.
"Jared is good at taking his leave after a brief sexual encounter but because he's an overly nice person, he then engages further communication with his partners and therefore makes the inevitable separation even more painful for both parties," Misha elaborates, putting the box of cereal back where it came from.
"So you're saying...?"
"He made a friend-date with you," Chad says. He's got a mouthful of corn chips but Jensen didn't see him open a packet and neither does he seem to have one anywhere near him. It's an amazing sleight of hand.
'*'
Jared has a couch that Jensen would be happy to spend the rest of his life on. It's buttery soft leather and a light caramel color and Jensen thought he'd known true love before but he hasn't.
He really hasn't.
"Dude, are you making out with my couch?"
"If you leave me and it alone long enough I might," Jensen says, sinking further in.
"Wow, I've never had a piece of furniture cock block me before," Jared muses, dropping onto the other side of the couch. His weight dropped onto the edge of the cushion Jensen's sunk into tosses Jensen sideways and into Jared. He tries to right himself but freezes when he realises that he's put his hand right smack down on Jared's groin. "Are you angling for a three-way?" Jared asks, laughing as Jensen flails and ends up on the floor.
Jared's head appears over the edge of the couch. "You okay?"
"Just dandy. Sorry for the groping."
"Did you hear me complain?" Jared asks and Jensen rubs the heels of his hands into his eyes for a moment.
"Are we... is this... is this a friend-date?" Jensen asks because he's very confused. Jared has been flirting shamelessly all night, so much so that Jensen, who is usually clueless about that sort of thing, managed to pick up on it.
"What's a friend-date?" Jared asks, looking confused.
"Where you invite me over to let me down easy after you regret doing stuff with me but don't want to feel like an asshole," Jensen explains and wants to kick himself in the face when he sees Jared's own expression crumple down into something hurt and bewildered. "Or am I just being an asshole?" Jensen asks, levering himself upwards until he can hook his arms over the couch's edge.
"Where are you getting this stuff?" Jared asks but then his lips thin down into a line. "No, don't tell me. I know exactly where you're getting it from," he says, holding up one hand. He drops the hand over his face and rubs briskly before looking back down at Jensen. "Look, just come up here will you?"
Jared gets a hand under Jensen's armpit and yanks Jensen back up onto the couch. Jensen isn't exactly a small guy so he's not used to being manhandled and his body has an interesting reaction to it.
A very keen reaction.
Jensen scoots as far away from Jared on the couch as possible when he's set free which isn't very far considering the whole thing angles inwards. He ends up with a foot jammed under one leg and an arm braced on the back. He schools his expression and tries to look relaxed even though he's getting a cramp and Jared laughs.
"Would you just...?" Jared gets a hold of one of Jensen's feet and yanks and Jensen ends up mostly on top of him. He doesn't know where to put his hands which won't be classed as groping again so he settles for crossing his arms tightly on top of his chest and tries not to notice that Jared's thigh is pressing right up against somewhere that makes it hard to concentrate.
"I haven't... I'm not... I'm not that guy," Jared says, fingers dropping onto one of Jensen's knees and kneading restlessly. Jensen feels gooseflesh break out onto his scalp just from the gentle touch. "I haven't slept with anyone in over two years."
Jensen's mouth drops open, and if he were a cartoon character he's pretty sure it would have hit the floor and his tongue roll away like carpet. Everyone talks about the amazing Jared Padalecki, one-night gift to the gods. So many people talk about it that Jensen has heard about it and he's not even properly in the scene.
He isn't even scene adjacent.
"Not since Milo."
"Who?"
Jared's other hand drops onto Jensen's leg and now he's framing Jensen's kneecap with his fingers. "I was with Milo since I was sixteen. I thought he was it for me, like we were the classic highschool sweethearts. It was so stupid." Jared sounds vulnerable and unbelievably adorable and Jensen's hand makes it way, totally of its own volition, up to the nape of Jared's neck and squeezes gently.
"He met this older guy, Adrian or something, and just dumped me cold. No warning, I didn't think we were even having problems. I was waiting for us to get gay-married for chrissakes."
"He sounds like a douchebag," Jensen says, feeling strangely protective.
"He wasn't really. He was just... more realistic about our relationship. We'd grown apart, were probably together for a couple of years longer than we should have been because we were both just so comfortable. He did the brave thing. He did it in an extremely shitty way, but it was a long time coming."
"Don't defend him!" Jensen says, flicking Jared in the forehead. "Tell me where he lives."
"You gonna go beat him up for me?" Jared asks, looking way too amused.
"No, but I'll order fifty pizzas for his place and send a dozen cabs over. I'm a master when it comes to anonymous, passive aggressive punishment."
"Remind me never to cross you."
"You'd better not, all's I'm saying," Jensen agrees but they're both just grinning at each other and when Jared leans forward, Jensen leans back and says, "What are you doing?"
"I was going to kiss you," Jared says slowly, starting to look mortified that he has to actually explain that. "Wait, are you letting me down easy after you regret doing stuff with me but don't want to feel like an asshole?" Jared's face starts to crumple so Jensen grabs it with both hands and drags it forward.
"Not at all," Jensen says very seriously, their noses almost mashed together. "You just startled me."
"Oh, okay. So, like, do you need a countdown or something?" Jared asks, and Jensen would be pissed at being made fun of if Jared's grin wasn't like the sun breaking over a stormy day.
"No, just... why do Chad and Misha think they have to warn people off you?" Jensen asks. His and Jared's faces are still so close together that he's almost going cross-eyed trying to keep Jared in focus so he pulls back a little.
"I think that's a result of a bunch of hearsay, misunderstandings and Chad's embellishments. I've tried going home with guys but I would always bail. Sometimes they'd turn up at the store or my place the next day hurt or pissed off because they thought they'd done something wrong. Chad kept telling me that I shouldn't just sleep with them and then never speak to them again but I was mostly just embarrassed."
"But we...?" Jensen says, waving his hand in the air.
"Yeah, I know," Jared says, flushing scarlet. "I just saw you and... wanted. Being with Milo since I was so young, I'd never felt like that before."
'*'
"What's this?"
Chad pokes at the sparkly pink shoebox Jensen has just set carefully on the counter.
"It's the interventionist's intervention kit," Jensen says, pushing it forward. Chad just eyes it warily while Misha picks it up and gives it a shake.
Jared pokes his head into Jensen's store just at that moment. "You ready?" he calls.
"What's happening?" Chad demands, looking mystified.
"We're going on a friend-date," Jensen says and then grins. "And after that we're going to have lots of sex."
Title: If I Called You Beautiful, Would You Date Me On The Regular?
Genre: RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: Adult
Summary: Where Jared works in a pet store, Jensen has a crush and Misha and Chad are in cahoots.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but these words. No money made, no insult intended.
"Oh man, I think I've seen this before."
Jensen Ackles has only ever experienced this kind of all-encompassing paralysis a few times in his life.
"Really?"
"Yeah, totally."
Everything is locked down, from feet to vocal chords. Jensen can't even turn his head enough to see the owners of the two disembodied voices apparently discussing his predicament on either side of him.
"I think he's one of Jared's."
Jensen's eyeballs are the only things apparently working and they roll sideways, seeking out the owner of the voice and can only see from this angle his torso. There's a nametag pinned to the chest that says Hello, My Name Is Yo Mamma.
"He doesn't look like Jared's regular..." The thought isn't finished as Jensen unlocks his lips enough to let out a pathetic sounding nghahguhshuh.
"Did he say oil can?"
"Leave the poor guy alone."
"Hello? Anyone in there?"
The top of Jensen's head is tapped with a fist and like magic, his body is released. He automatically goes into flight or fight... oh, who's he kidding, straight out flight mode and he spins and runs, ducking into the cool and safe confines of the convenience store that has been mother and country to him for going on four years now.
Jensen thinks that the human body should be able to combust if mortified enough, leaving a pile of slightly embarrassed red ash behind but no such luck. His fervour about wishing this was true multiplies when the bell over his door jangles and a guy with brown hair pokes his head in and spots Jensen trying to ineffectively hide behind the greeting card carousel.
"Um, are you alright?" the guys asks. Jensen vaguely recognises him as someone that comes in for one of the weirder green tea infused herbal concoctions that he got a single crate of as a promotion. This guy is the only one that buys them so Jensen keeps them in the fridge out of apathy, knowing that eventually they'll run out and he won't have to go to the trouble of removing them and finding somewhere to dispose of them.
He's pretty sure he'd poison the local water supply if he tipped them out anywhere and he hates to think what effect they'd have on landfill.
"Ah, hmm, what?" Jensen looks up and then makes a show of neatening up some of the cards. "Yes, fine thanks. You?"
The guy smiles a little and it's a nice smile on a nice face but he also has a wedding band on his finger so Jensen had never bothered to really notice before. Besides, he can only fixate on one person at a time and currently that spot's taken.
"Did he puke? He looked like he was gonna," someone else calls from outside the door, probably Yo Mama.
"Chad, don't be an ass," the guy snaps.
"Can't help it, it's my default setting," Chad jeers from outside and the guy grimaces.
Jensen tries to make it clear with his body language that he's fine and would really like to be left alone and the guy seems to mercifully get it because he nods and retreats out the door.
Jensen moves back to his counter and thumps his head on the surface a few times.
Jared Padalecki works next door in Pets, Pets, Pets and gave Jensen a blow job.
That would've been fine, Jensen didn't usually do random hookups but whatever. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if Jensen had not been moonily watching Jared Padalecki walk past his store for going on six months. Jared had entered Jensen's store for the first time two weeks ago, had bought an energy drink that was a sickeningly unnatural blue and had drunk the whole thing while standing at Jensen's counter in a long and fascinating series of connected swallows.
"I'm assuming you're going to pay for that," Jensen had blurted and Jared had looked down, kind of smirked and then his eyes had done a lazy up-down that Jensen recognised from Queer As Folk but that had never actually been directed at him.
Five minutes later Jared had Jensen bailed up against the wall of the employee only bathroom, one porn-large hand splayed on Jensen's chest and Jensen's dick halfway down his throat.
The problem is that Jensen knew exactly who Jared Padalecki was. He tried not to use Queer As Folk as his life model, but Jared was definitely the Brian Kinney of Eighth Street. He was impossible, unattainable and when he went to his knees Jensen couldn't run like he knew he should've.
He'd already had a stupid little crush but this...
He's doomed.
"Sodoyoumaybewanttograbdinnersometime?"
Jensen is standing in the middle of Pets, Pets, Pets, next to a rack of birdseed and designer dog bones and he's practically screamed at Jared who was approaching him with a friendly Can I Help You, Sir kinda smile. Jared falters while the rest of the store, even the animals, goes comically silent.
"I'm sorry?"
"I said... do you have this in green?" Jensen asks, desperately grabbing a cat collar with a bell from the shelf nearest him. The one he's holding is in fact because the universe hates him, green already, but he's committed now.
"Like a different green?" Jared asks, eyeing Jensen warily. Jensen has crazy people come into his store from time to time and he's pretty sure the expression on Jared's face would be the same one he would wear when watching the guy who likes to listen to each individual Cheetos packet rustle before choosing one.
"I'm not crazy," Jensen says and is pretty sure that it makes him sound more crazy just to state it like that, but it also makes Jared laugh. Jensen tosses the cat collar aside and fiddles with his glasses. It's a nervous habit his mother was always trying to break him of. "I just... y'know, had a nice time... in the bathroom and was wondering...?" Jensen finally raises his head and notices that Jared's watching him with polite interest but he could swear no real recognition. Jensen clears his throat and feels his cheeks heat flame red when he leans forward and whispers. "Y'know, the bathroom?"
Jared has leaned forward automatically as well but now kind of steps back and still looks confused. Jensen can't... "Last Wednesday?" Jensen clarifies, trying to narrow it down further for Jared because the guy is still looking perplexed.
"When you say last Wednesday do you mean the one just gone or the one before? Man, that always confuses me," Jared says, chuckling and spreading his hands in a what can you do kind of gesture.
"Two Wednesdays ago," Jensen chokes out.
"Oh, right, okay. Now I'm with you," Jared says, nodding. "So hey, how you been?"
"How've I been?" Jensen repeats slowly, like maybe the question would make sense if he did. Like maybe it wouldn't sound so much like Jared has absolutely no clue who he is.
"Oh hey, it's you," another voice pipes up from behind Jared and then a blonde guy appears. Jensen recognises that voice, horror of horrors. It's the second witness to his not-so-subtle freakout. He thinks the guy's name was Chad but his nametag says Hi My Name Is Do I Look Like Your Slave?. Chad has a kitten in each hand and he gestures with them as he says, "So, you actually made it into the store this time, huh?"
"Yes," Jensen says because he's at a loss what else to say.
"Me and Misha thought he might be one of yours," Chad adds helpfully, poking Jared in the shoulder with one of the kittens. It murrs in disgruntlement.
"Chad," Jared starts, sounding exasperated and Jensen takes the opportunity to start backing towards the entrance of the shop. Jared only looks back at him when Jensen is almost out the door and he raises one hand. Jensen freezes, one leg tasting sweet, sweet freedom and the rest of him trapped in hell. "Did you want something?" Jared asks.
"No, nope, nothing at all," Jensen manages to get out and then he's able to continue his retreat.
He needs to go home, crawl into bed and never come out, ever again.
"I'm sorry, you're what?"
It's the day after the worst, most mortifying day of Jensen's life and things don't seem to be improving. For one thing, he has Chad and Misha, who had finally gotten around to introducing themselves officially, in his store, standing in front of his counter and claiming to be, "The Jared Padalecki Interventionists."
"I don't think that's what we decided to call it," Misha says, looking at Chad who today is wearing, Hi, My Name Is Jared Padalecki just to give the whole situation a more surreal bent.
"What did we decide to call it then?" Chad asks, rolling his eyes at Jensen like they're in cahoots with not believing Misha is being this dense. It's all just a little...
"And you're here to...?"
"We're here to help you move on from the J-Pad. We do this only for guys who aren't giant dicksmacks so you should feel flattered," Chad explains, managing to look magnanimous about the whole thing.
Jensen puts a hand to the phone on his wall and raises an eyebrow. "Do I need to call the police to have you both thrown out of here or are you going to leave quietly?"
"Sometimes people just don't understand that there's no Godfather Part Two for the Sasquatch." When Jensen just stares at Chad he opens his eyes wide and says very slowly, "There's no sequels in J-Land, even kickass ones."
Jensen dials nine and then the first one.
"You seem like a nice guy," Misha says, sounding kind which is weirdly worse than Chad's rudeness. Misha's holding a shoebox with Intervention Kit written on the side in magic marker and Jensen really doesn't want to know what's in it. "All we want is-"
"Oh hey, Wednesday guy. Now I get it," a voice pipes up and Jensen would recognise it anywhere. So must Misha and Chad who spin in place, Misha managing to pitch the Intervention Kit in Jensen's general direction. He fumbles it and it hits the floor, breaking apart on impact. Jensen isn't sure what else is in there but there's a large sparkly pink dildo that has come to rest on his foot.
Jared's standing just inside the door and he looks confused for a second seeing Chad and Misha but he just shrugs and makes his way towards the fridge. He's dressed for running and has a large dog on a leash in tow. "No pets inside," Jensen manages to squeak out and Jared freezes in place.
"I've got him," Chad volunteers cheerfully, snagging the leash from Jared's fingers.
"Me too!" Misha says, also beating a hasty retreat.
Jensen is starting to suspect that Jared had no idea about their little club.
Jared has another violent blue sports drink but this time he doesn't swallow it whole. Instead he digs down into his shorts for some change and manages to expose a cut of hip that Jensen totally doesn't stare at.
Much.
"That's a really interesting sweater," Jared observes as he counts out change. Jensen looks down at himself and grimaces. He's wearing sweat pants and a knitted monstrosity that his mother made him because she believed anywhere outside of Texas must have been freezing and therefore took it upon herself to learn to knit to provide for her wayward son.
She's still learning.
He was doing a double shift and he'd only been thinking about comfort when he'd gotten dressed fourteen hours ago, not that the guy who he'd had a crush on for months would come in looking all sweaty and desirable.
Jensen spots Chad and Misha just outside the store, unabashedly staring inside. They're both shaking their heads violently and making shooing motions. Jensen has no idea what they want or who thought it was a good idea to let them out of whatever institution they should be in.
"So I think you came into the pet store yesterday to ask me out," Jared begins and Jensen swallows and refocuses. His glasses are smudged and he takes them off his nose to clean them on the bottom of the ugly sweater.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Oh really? Well, it was nice of you to come in and not to ask me out for dinner. I was going to see if you wanted to come over and watch the game tonight, maybe grab a pizza?"
Jensen's head snaps up and he fumbles his glasses quickly back on his face. He wants to see if Jared's smirking, making fun of him, but instead Jared just looks mildly curious and a little hopeful.
Huh.
"I thought you didn't do repeats," Jensen blurts and Jared narrows his eyes and looks over his shoulder. Misha and Chad crash into each other trying to look nonchalant about vacating the vicinity. Jared sighs and to Jensen it sounds both exasperated and affectionate.
"Maybe we could try hanging out, see how that goes before you decide you know me and what I'm about?" Jared asks and he has his eyebrows raised and his tone is kind of impatient but yet again endearingly hopeful.
"Oh, um, okay, sure," Jensen agrees.
"Cool. You're off at eight, right?"
Jensen just nods numbly and watches Jared leave.
"I'll pay you to leave me alone."
Misha and Chad are back. Chad is sitting on Jensen's counter, swinging his legs like a kid and Misha is squinting at the ingredients on the side of a Frosted Flakes box. Jensen doesn't know who he's pissed off in a former life to make these guys want to adopt him or whatever but here they are, not leaving.
"I'm just saying, Jay is awesome at the dine and ditch, but then he always goes back and makes a mess of it."
"I have no idea what you're saying right now," Jensen says, glaring at Chad and trying to make him burst into flames with just the power of his brain. It would be really cool if something like that would work, just the once.
"Jared is good at taking his leave after a brief sexual encounter but because he's an overly nice person, he then engages further communication with his partners and therefore makes the inevitable separation even more painful for both parties," Misha elaborates, putting the box of cereal back where it came from.
"So you're saying...?"
"He made a friend-date with you," Chad says. He's got a mouthful of corn chips but Jensen didn't see him open a packet and neither does he seem to have one anywhere near him. It's an amazing sleight of hand.
Jared has a couch that Jensen would be happy to spend the rest of his life on. It's buttery soft leather and a light caramel color and Jensen thought he'd known true love before but he hasn't.
He really hasn't.
"Dude, are you making out with my couch?"
"If you leave me and it alone long enough I might," Jensen says, sinking further in.
"Wow, I've never had a piece of furniture cock block me before," Jared muses, dropping onto the other side of the couch. His weight dropped onto the edge of the cushion Jensen's sunk into tosses Jensen sideways and into Jared. He tries to right himself but freezes when he realises that he's put his hand right smack down on Jared's groin. "Are you angling for a three-way?" Jared asks, laughing as Jensen flails and ends up on the floor.
Jared's head appears over the edge of the couch. "You okay?"
"Just dandy. Sorry for the groping."
"Did you hear me complain?" Jared asks and Jensen rubs the heels of his hands into his eyes for a moment.
"Are we... is this... is this a friend-date?" Jensen asks because he's very confused. Jared has been flirting shamelessly all night, so much so that Jensen, who is usually clueless about that sort of thing, managed to pick up on it.
"What's a friend-date?" Jared asks, looking confused.
"Where you invite me over to let me down easy after you regret doing stuff with me but don't want to feel like an asshole," Jensen explains and wants to kick himself in the face when he sees Jared's own expression crumple down into something hurt and bewildered. "Or am I just being an asshole?" Jensen asks, levering himself upwards until he can hook his arms over the couch's edge.
"Where are you getting this stuff?" Jared asks but then his lips thin down into a line. "No, don't tell me. I know exactly where you're getting it from," he says, holding up one hand. He drops the hand over his face and rubs briskly before looking back down at Jensen. "Look, just come up here will you?"
Jared gets a hand under Jensen's armpit and yanks Jensen back up onto the couch. Jensen isn't exactly a small guy so he's not used to being manhandled and his body has an interesting reaction to it.
A very keen reaction.
Jensen scoots as far away from Jared on the couch as possible when he's set free which isn't very far considering the whole thing angles inwards. He ends up with a foot jammed under one leg and an arm braced on the back. He schools his expression and tries to look relaxed even though he's getting a cramp and Jared laughs.
"Would you just...?" Jared gets a hold of one of Jensen's feet and yanks and Jensen ends up mostly on top of him. He doesn't know where to put his hands which won't be classed as groping again so he settles for crossing his arms tightly on top of his chest and tries not to notice that Jared's thigh is pressing right up against somewhere that makes it hard to concentrate.
"I haven't... I'm not... I'm not that guy," Jared says, fingers dropping onto one of Jensen's knees and kneading restlessly. Jensen feels gooseflesh break out onto his scalp just from the gentle touch. "I haven't slept with anyone in over two years."
Jensen's mouth drops open, and if he were a cartoon character he's pretty sure it would have hit the floor and his tongue roll away like carpet. Everyone talks about the amazing Jared Padalecki, one-night gift to the gods. So many people talk about it that Jensen has heard about it and he's not even properly in the scene.
He isn't even scene adjacent.
"Not since Milo."
"Who?"
Jared's other hand drops onto Jensen's leg and now he's framing Jensen's kneecap with his fingers. "I was with Milo since I was sixteen. I thought he was it for me, like we were the classic highschool sweethearts. It was so stupid." Jared sounds vulnerable and unbelievably adorable and Jensen's hand makes it way, totally of its own volition, up to the nape of Jared's neck and squeezes gently.
"He met this older guy, Adrian or something, and just dumped me cold. No warning, I didn't think we were even having problems. I was waiting for us to get gay-married for chrissakes."
"He sounds like a douchebag," Jensen says, feeling strangely protective.
"He wasn't really. He was just... more realistic about our relationship. We'd grown apart, were probably together for a couple of years longer than we should have been because we were both just so comfortable. He did the brave thing. He did it in an extremely shitty way, but it was a long time coming."
"Don't defend him!" Jensen says, flicking Jared in the forehead. "Tell me where he lives."
"You gonna go beat him up for me?" Jared asks, looking way too amused.
"No, but I'll order fifty pizzas for his place and send a dozen cabs over. I'm a master when it comes to anonymous, passive aggressive punishment."
"Remind me never to cross you."
"You'd better not, all's I'm saying," Jensen agrees but they're both just grinning at each other and when Jared leans forward, Jensen leans back and says, "What are you doing?"
"I was going to kiss you," Jared says slowly, starting to look mortified that he has to actually explain that. "Wait, are you letting me down easy after you regret doing stuff with me but don't want to feel like an asshole?" Jared's face starts to crumple so Jensen grabs it with both hands and drags it forward.
"Not at all," Jensen says very seriously, their noses almost mashed together. "You just startled me."
"Oh, okay. So, like, do you need a countdown or something?" Jared asks, and Jensen would be pissed at being made fun of if Jared's grin wasn't like the sun breaking over a stormy day.
"No, just... why do Chad and Misha think they have to warn people off you?" Jensen asks. His and Jared's faces are still so close together that he's almost going cross-eyed trying to keep Jared in focus so he pulls back a little.
"I think that's a result of a bunch of hearsay, misunderstandings and Chad's embellishments. I've tried going home with guys but I would always bail. Sometimes they'd turn up at the store or my place the next day hurt or pissed off because they thought they'd done something wrong. Chad kept telling me that I shouldn't just sleep with them and then never speak to them again but I was mostly just embarrassed."
"But we...?" Jensen says, waving his hand in the air.
"Yeah, I know," Jared says, flushing scarlet. "I just saw you and... wanted. Being with Milo since I was so young, I'd never felt like that before."
"What's this?"
Chad pokes at the sparkly pink shoebox Jensen has just set carefully on the counter.
"It's the interventionist's intervention kit," Jensen says, pushing it forward. Chad just eyes it warily while Misha picks it up and gives it a shake.
Jared pokes his head into Jensen's store just at that moment. "You ready?" he calls.
"What's happening?" Chad demands, looking mystified.
"We're going on a friend-date," Jensen says and then grins. "And after that we're going to have lots of sex."