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Title: Holding Grief in Your Hands
Fandom: Firefly
Pairing: Wash/Zoe
Rating: G
Word Count: 783
Spoilers: The Movie
Prompt: Firefly: Zoe
Summary:
This fic was written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
joannindiw
“Sir.”
Nothing.
“Sir?”
Still nothing.
“Sir!”
Mal startled awake, rubbing a fist in his eye and looking blearily around the room. He finally noticed Zoe and snorted, swinging his feet to the floor. “Was I supposed to be doing something?”
Zoe rolled her eyes. “You told me to wake you when we landed, Sir.”
“Ah, right. Boy, Wash is getting’ smooth with those landin’s. I didn’t hardly feel a-“ Mal paled and then grimaced, his mind finally pulling itself out the dredges of sleep for reality to catch up and also to register what he’d just said. “Oh hell Zoe, I’m sorry,” he apologised with a grimace.
Zoe, with her face stony, simply nodded and climbed out of Mal’s room, two rungs at a time.
Sometimes Mal forgot.
She wished she could.
***
She’d hated Mal Reynolds on sight.
It was the strangest turn of fate that the men she’d taken an instant dislike to had turned out to be the most important in her life. Mal Reynolds had been the wrong kind of religious and in the war not because he believed in independence, but Zoe suspected because he believed in fighting.
How he ended up in charge of her group Zoe would never know because those in authority seemed to take Mal the same way she did, with instant distrust. However, they were on the losing incline of a war that had no real hope in the first place and men with the knack for leadership were thin on the ground. Zoe had learned soon enough that most people would follow Mal Reynolds to the ends of the ‘verse and beyond and by that time she also realised that she had come to respect him, more than anyone she had in her lifetime.
He’d said, “I don’t want you to marry him, it’ll be a bad business.”
It was the only order she’d ever disobeyed.
***
Wash had wanted children.
He hadn’t just wanted children, he’d longed for them and Zoe had felt it grow stronger with every passing day. For all his joking, Zoe knew her husband had been a man conflicted, torn between his love of the great dark beyond and the need to be settled and loved.
“I’ve never had someone to care for,” he’d said and Zoe had smiled, curled next to him in bed, sweat drying on their skin.
“You care for me,” she’d said, poking him in the shoulder and Wash had turned his face to her and for a rare instance, the teasing light from his eyes was gone.
“You don’t need caring for, never did. I’d like to but you won’t let me.”
Zoe had wanted to protest, but had known it would ring false.
“It doesn’t matter,” Wash had sighed, drawing away from her and Zoe had felt the space between them like a yawning chasm.
One she wasn’t sure she was able to leap.
***
“He was nice.”
Zoe looked at River and smiled. “What’s that?” she asked, used to River’s cryptic outbursts and knowing that with River, you were usually starting in the middle of a conversation.
“Wash was nice. He… lingers,” she said, bringing one of the Bridge dinosaurs out from a pocket and stroking it’s snout with her thumb. “I liked his way.”
Zoe, not questioning the strangeness of the comfort she felt from this odd little girl, merely smiled and nodded.
“I did too.”
***
“If I could’ve-“
“It was quick. Weren’t nothing you could have done.”
The Doctor, who Zoe always thought was slightly goofy but a good soul for all that, apologised a lot. For some reason, he’d gotten it in his mind that if he had just been there, he could’ve done something.
She sometimes gets the impression that the crew are trying to mourn for her, because they don’t think she’s doing it right. They’re worried because of the way she has shut down, but only Mal understands that this was how she was before.
Before Wash.
He had allowed her to smile and now she’s returned to what she knows, because it seems the easiest thing to do.
When she catches Kaylee sitting in the pilot’s chair, picking at the faded padding and crying silently, Zoe leaves her be, knowing that if she ever let the grief out, it would consume her whole and probably everyone around her.
She goes on, because that’s what she knows how to do.
***
“See how I soar.”
It’s words spoken while he’s flying and despite the explosions and the scream of plummeting towards Miranda and the yells of Jayne from the galley, Zoe hears him and smiles.
No matter what, he always makes her smile.
Fandom: Firefly
Pairing: Wash/Zoe
Rating: G
Word Count: 783
Spoilers: The Movie
Prompt: Firefly: Zoe
Summary:
This fic was written for
joannindiw“Sir.”
Nothing.
“Sir?”
Still nothing.
“Sir!”
Mal startled awake, rubbing a fist in his eye and looking blearily around the room. He finally noticed Zoe and snorted, swinging his feet to the floor. “Was I supposed to be doing something?”
Zoe rolled her eyes. “You told me to wake you when we landed, Sir.”
“Ah, right. Boy, Wash is getting’ smooth with those landin’s. I didn’t hardly feel a-“ Mal paled and then grimaced, his mind finally pulling itself out the dredges of sleep for reality to catch up and also to register what he’d just said. “Oh hell Zoe, I’m sorry,” he apologised with a grimace.
Zoe, with her face stony, simply nodded and climbed out of Mal’s room, two rungs at a time.
Sometimes Mal forgot.
She wished she could.
She’d hated Mal Reynolds on sight.
It was the strangest turn of fate that the men she’d taken an instant dislike to had turned out to be the most important in her life. Mal Reynolds had been the wrong kind of religious and in the war not because he believed in independence, but Zoe suspected because he believed in fighting.
How he ended up in charge of her group Zoe would never know because those in authority seemed to take Mal the same way she did, with instant distrust. However, they were on the losing incline of a war that had no real hope in the first place and men with the knack for leadership were thin on the ground. Zoe had learned soon enough that most people would follow Mal Reynolds to the ends of the ‘verse and beyond and by that time she also realised that she had come to respect him, more than anyone she had in her lifetime.
He’d said, “I don’t want you to marry him, it’ll be a bad business.”
It was the only order she’d ever disobeyed.
Wash had wanted children.
He hadn’t just wanted children, he’d longed for them and Zoe had felt it grow stronger with every passing day. For all his joking, Zoe knew her husband had been a man conflicted, torn between his love of the great dark beyond and the need to be settled and loved.
“I’ve never had someone to care for,” he’d said and Zoe had smiled, curled next to him in bed, sweat drying on their skin.
“You care for me,” she’d said, poking him in the shoulder and Wash had turned his face to her and for a rare instance, the teasing light from his eyes was gone.
“You don’t need caring for, never did. I’d like to but you won’t let me.”
Zoe had wanted to protest, but had known it would ring false.
“It doesn’t matter,” Wash had sighed, drawing away from her and Zoe had felt the space between them like a yawning chasm.
One she wasn’t sure she was able to leap.
“He was nice.”
Zoe looked at River and smiled. “What’s that?” she asked, used to River’s cryptic outbursts and knowing that with River, you were usually starting in the middle of a conversation.
“Wash was nice. He… lingers,” she said, bringing one of the Bridge dinosaurs out from a pocket and stroking it’s snout with her thumb. “I liked his way.”
Zoe, not questioning the strangeness of the comfort she felt from this odd little girl, merely smiled and nodded.
“I did too.”
“If I could’ve-“
“It was quick. Weren’t nothing you could have done.”
The Doctor, who Zoe always thought was slightly goofy but a good soul for all that, apologised a lot. For some reason, he’d gotten it in his mind that if he had just been there, he could’ve done something.
She sometimes gets the impression that the crew are trying to mourn for her, because they don’t think she’s doing it right. They’re worried because of the way she has shut down, but only Mal understands that this was how she was before.
Before Wash.
He had allowed her to smile and now she’s returned to what she knows, because it seems the easiest thing to do.
When she catches Kaylee sitting in the pilot’s chair, picking at the faded padding and crying silently, Zoe leaves her be, knowing that if she ever let the grief out, it would consume her whole and probably everyone around her.
She goes on, because that’s what she knows how to do.
“See how I soar.”
It’s words spoken while he’s flying and despite the explosions and the scream of plummeting towards Miranda and the yells of Jayne from the galley, Zoe hears him and smiles.
No matter what, he always makes her smile.
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