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Title: I, Teyla
Fandom: SGA
Pairing: Gen
Rating: PG
Word Count: 797
Spoilers: S2
Summary: What wakes Teyla in the night is the way it feels when she enters a Wraith’s mind, why she will volunteer for it. It’s familiar, like a well-trodden road, like nothing in Atlantis feels.
Sometimes, it feels like home.
This fic was written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
live_momma
“Sometimes I feel so alone.”
Teyla often feels like she is in the middle. A leader to a people she doesn’t live amongst and a warrior for a people she has no real ties to. Many times when she feels like this she will seek out the company of Ronon, a man as displaced as she, but even that sometimes isn’t enough.
Not until she met Michael, and really understood her fears.
Here was someone who had had humanity thrust on them and for a few brief days of blissful ignorance, had cherished it in a way that those who were born to it would not understand. She could see in his eyes when he was changing back, the tearing of self between the human he was and the Wraith he would become again.
What wakes Teyla in the night is the way it feels when she enters a Wraith’s mind, why she will volunteer for it. It’s familiar, like a well-trodden road, like nothing in Atlantis feels.
Sometimes, it feels like home.
“I know I shouldn’t and there are people who care but…”
John Sheppard is asleep, head pillowed on her lap and one arm thrown over her thighs. Rodney is stretched out beside her with his feet dug into her side for warmth and Ronon sits on the floor, his head leaning against her knee.
She has the strongest urge to ask them why they can’t see.
How they can blithely ignore the fact that she is a monster?
”When I look in the mirror I can see what might have been. Do I want it? I’m not so sure anymore.”
Elizabeth looks up from her writing and grins, pleasure at seeing Teyla which makes her heart hurt.
“Cadman and some of the other women were going to have an ice cream and girlie movie night if you were interested?” Elizabeth asks, a plain smile on her face.
“Actually, I was going to ask to go across to the mainland. It’s been a little while and I feel… neglectful.”
Elizabeth’s eyes fill with understanding. “Of course,” she allows.
”How can they know for sure that it won’t affect me one day? Curl through my system like a poison, infecting everything…”
Halling greets her warmly, taking both hands in his own and she asks to see a girl named Bexley and his eyes fill with understanding, but a different kind.
She watches the little girl play for a while, a raggedy doll made from cloth and twine in her arms and Teyla looks back at Halling. “And she says she hears voices?”
Halling nods slowly, sadness inscribed deeply into his features. “Because of the newcomers, we know what it is now. We’d like their Doctor Beckett to take a look at her.”
Teyla nods and holds out her hand and the little girl takes it, following Teyla towards the parked Jumper. As they walk, the girl looks up at her with large brown eyes that are circled with shadow. “They ask where we are. In my dreams, they always ask where we are.”
Teyla’s grip on the little girl’s hand firms.
”Sometimes I just wish… I just wish it were not me. Some call it a gift but sometimes I think it must be a penance…”
She supposes she should be relieved when Carson tells her that there is nothing of Wraith in the little girl, not even the smallest trace amount. “She’s just having nightmares. You should probably check what stories the older kids have been telling her.”
Instead, she feels more alone.
”Am I a danger? Should I leave?”
Kate Heightmeyer looks across at Teyla and smiles gently.
“While I would say that was completely your choice, I would also stress that you are an asset to this place. And yes, while I would agree that calling what you have as a gift is a little romantic, it’s also part of who you are and has also contributed not in a small way to our continued existence. So before you decide to leave, weigh your options, do some thinking. A lot of your doubts are rooted in a lifetime of fear at the hands of an enemy you believed to be unstoppable.”
Teyla takes a deep breath and stands, thanking Kate for her time. She is a little surprised to find Ronon, John and Rodney waiting outside for her, all trying to look nonchalant and Ronon being the only one even vaguely close.
“Wanna grab some lunch?” John asks, cocking his head in the direction of the commissary.
Teyla pauses for just a moment before nodding. “Sure,” she agrees. “I could eat.”
No one notices the way Teyla’s eyes drop to John’s chest and then back up when she says this.
Not even Teyla.
Fandom: SGA
Pairing: Gen
Rating: PG
Word Count: 797
Spoilers: S2
Summary: What wakes Teyla in the night is the way it feels when she enters a Wraith’s mind, why she will volunteer for it. It’s familiar, like a well-trodden road, like nothing in Atlantis feels.
Sometimes, it feels like home.
This fic was written for
live_momma“Sometimes I feel so alone.”
Teyla often feels like she is in the middle. A leader to a people she doesn’t live amongst and a warrior for a people she has no real ties to. Many times when she feels like this she will seek out the company of Ronon, a man as displaced as she, but even that sometimes isn’t enough.
Not until she met Michael, and really understood her fears.
Here was someone who had had humanity thrust on them and for a few brief days of blissful ignorance, had cherished it in a way that those who were born to it would not understand. She could see in his eyes when he was changing back, the tearing of self between the human he was and the Wraith he would become again.
What wakes Teyla in the night is the way it feels when she enters a Wraith’s mind, why she will volunteer for it. It’s familiar, like a well-trodden road, like nothing in Atlantis feels.
Sometimes, it feels like home.
“I know I shouldn’t and there are people who care but…”
John Sheppard is asleep, head pillowed on her lap and one arm thrown over her thighs. Rodney is stretched out beside her with his feet dug into her side for warmth and Ronon sits on the floor, his head leaning against her knee.
She has the strongest urge to ask them why they can’t see.
How they can blithely ignore the fact that she is a monster?
”When I look in the mirror I can see what might have been. Do I want it? I’m not so sure anymore.”
Elizabeth looks up from her writing and grins, pleasure at seeing Teyla which makes her heart hurt.
“Cadman and some of the other women were going to have an ice cream and girlie movie night if you were interested?” Elizabeth asks, a plain smile on her face.
“Actually, I was going to ask to go across to the mainland. It’s been a little while and I feel… neglectful.”
Elizabeth’s eyes fill with understanding. “Of course,” she allows.
”How can they know for sure that it won’t affect me one day? Curl through my system like a poison, infecting everything…”
Halling greets her warmly, taking both hands in his own and she asks to see a girl named Bexley and his eyes fill with understanding, but a different kind.
She watches the little girl play for a while, a raggedy doll made from cloth and twine in her arms and Teyla looks back at Halling. “And she says she hears voices?”
Halling nods slowly, sadness inscribed deeply into his features. “Because of the newcomers, we know what it is now. We’d like their Doctor Beckett to take a look at her.”
Teyla nods and holds out her hand and the little girl takes it, following Teyla towards the parked Jumper. As they walk, the girl looks up at her with large brown eyes that are circled with shadow. “They ask where we are. In my dreams, they always ask where we are.”
Teyla’s grip on the little girl’s hand firms.
”Sometimes I just wish… I just wish it were not me. Some call it a gift but sometimes I think it must be a penance…”
She supposes she should be relieved when Carson tells her that there is nothing of Wraith in the little girl, not even the smallest trace amount. “She’s just having nightmares. You should probably check what stories the older kids have been telling her.”
Instead, she feels more alone.
”Am I a danger? Should I leave?”
Kate Heightmeyer looks across at Teyla and smiles gently.
“While I would say that was completely your choice, I would also stress that you are an asset to this place. And yes, while I would agree that calling what you have as a gift is a little romantic, it’s also part of who you are and has also contributed not in a small way to our continued existence. So before you decide to leave, weigh your options, do some thinking. A lot of your doubts are rooted in a lifetime of fear at the hands of an enemy you believed to be unstoppable.”
Teyla takes a deep breath and stands, thanking Kate for her time. She is a little surprised to find Ronon, John and Rodney waiting outside for her, all trying to look nonchalant and Ronon being the only one even vaguely close.
“Wanna grab some lunch?” John asks, cocking his head in the direction of the commissary.
Teyla pauses for just a moment before nodding. “Sure,” she agrees. “I could eat.”
No one notices the way Teyla’s eyes drop to John’s chest and then back up when she says this.
Not even Teyla.
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